I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
