I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
