She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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