Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
