I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
