he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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