Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
