pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
