Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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