No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
