I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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