Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
