Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
