at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She bit a glass in half.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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