so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
