I feel like I'm in dance class right now
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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