I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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