Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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