if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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