Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
