I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
