oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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