She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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