Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
