kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
