Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
