Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
