I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
