your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Randomize
