my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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