They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
