Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
