Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
