..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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