i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
