if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
