I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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