where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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