We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
