this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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