you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
