I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
