dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
