I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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