I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
