Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
