the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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