The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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