Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
