Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
