I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
