How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
